The Worst Commercial

“Anyone can scoop it–but we prefer to slice it.”

Wow. What an incredible sell. Anyone can scoop it but slicing, well, well. That changes the whole ball game. The video begins with an image of this ‘chef’ garnishing a slice of ice cream with mint and fruit. Let’s make one thing very clear: people who buy this knockoff ice cream cake are not garnishing it with mint and fruit, especially not mint. Literally no one goes to the grocery store and simultaneously picks up a bunch of mint and Chapman’s ice cream with the intention of combining them together. It is unnecessary effort and will do absolutely nothing to enhance the taste of this shitty ice cream. People are not buying your ice cream because it’s the tastiest option; they’re buying it because it’s the cheapest, most convenient, or better yet, the only option. Your ice cream is not making anyone feel fancy and it will certainly not be a choice for celebrations that involve confetti. Your job is to make an average tasting, accessible box of sugar-fat guilt, so let us begin with at least some honesty. Not complete and utter honesty, but just, some.

The video then dives straight into an incredible chain of logic: “We’ve been slicing ice cream since the ’80s…and why do we slice? After this many years, it’s fun to change it up.” Wait, what? So first, you brag about ‘establishing’ this unappealing, failed tradition, and then claim that it is your recent invention in efforts to change things up? Although, come to think of it, it might be a truly enjoyable experience as a writer to attach illogical strings of sentences that seem almost cogent, to test the IQ of your viewers. Or perhaps the writers are just a very honest bunch, and knowing the reality of its terrible marketability, could only make seemingly good claims about the ice cream, which ultimately meant…nothing. It certainly is shaped like it’s intended to be sliced and it does also appear to be ice cream. I’ll give them that.

Regardless, it is evident that the video was made by Canadian-haters because what better way to poison the word’s perception of Canadians than to associate it with Chapman’s? This commercial has to be universally understood to be terrible–they had to (I’m sure) disable the comments section and the video has managed to receive 31% down votes from its meager 8820 viewers, 20 of which are me re-watching this terrible piece of garbage to quote the damn thing and make fun of it. And I didn’t even down vote it….yet. I’m kidding. Down-voting, much like up-voting, is for losers. But seriously, Canada already invokes lukewarm emotions from people, or worse yet, none at all. Nobody thinks about Canada, but if they do choose to, we certainly don’t want them making ANY association with Chapman’s.

Lastly, if you haven’t tried Chapman’s before, don’t. As I alluded earlier, this ice cream is absolutely disgusting. With shitty ingredients that humans have evolved to find delicious despite their poor nutritional content, they still somehow failed to make a satisfying product. Humans love fat and sugar and cream and ice. Yet, somehow, this concoction of all those things is compiled in such a terrible way, that the one time my mom got tricked into buying this product known as ‘slice cream’, we had to throw it out. Mind you, we love food in our house and we are also strongly against its wastage even in the scenario that we don’t enjoy it, yet, we felt like we had no other choice but to throw it out. I guess it is kind of tasty, if you replace the first ‘t’ with an ‘n’. In fact, the tastiest.

I can’t undo having my mother paid for and then my whole family having ingested this product, but perhaps you and your loved ones can.

disgusting chapman's

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