Fight for Your Right to Flush

Ever have a long, crappy day and then just when you are sitting peacefully on a public toilet taking a long, reflective piss…suddenly swoosh! (Technically, this sentence should have ended with a question mark, but whatever, it’s a rhetorical question so your opinion doesn’t matter.)The unwanted automatic flush. Were you done pissing? No, you had barely made it halfway through when the toilet determined for you that your piss was concluded. If you must know, yes, I was subjected to this today. Twice.

This is not the first time that me or my loved ones have been victimized by the automatic flush. A sadder tale perhaps is that of my best friend who just happened to always chose the stall with a non-functional automatic flush with an absent assistant button. Not only does she have a small bladder, and needs to pee quite frequently, but she also happens to be traumatized by the automatic flush many a times that she goes. She then waves and waves in front of the sensor, hoping that it will detect motion until she has to give up and leave. My experience on the contrary has been exactly opposite: I’ve had to restrict my movement as much as possible in hopes that I go undetected. Today was different though. Today, my struggle led me to an important conclusion: the automatic flush is the singlemost useless feature in modern washrooms.

Unless we have really become that incompetent as a species that we can’t 1) determine when we’re finished defecating and 2) press a button or push a handlebar to get rid of our waste materials, there should be no necessity for an automatic flush. I agree that time after time there are individuals who go out of their way to exemplify this incompetence by leaving behind some unsightly remains of their deeds for other people to deal with, but are we really going to cave and start designing the world to accomodate this kind of stupidity?

Now, I don’t want to sound heartless. I deeply sympathize with the staff who earn their insufficient share of the Canadian pie by taking care of these remains. I do think there is a better solution for their woes, though. The solution is really twofold in my opinion. First of all, we would be required to build toilets that come equipped with an unflushed liquid and feces detector. Once it is detected that there are contents remaining in the toilet, the lavatory assesses whether or not there is any weight indicating the occupancy of the seat. If there is no weight or the warmth of a human butt and a hand reaches out to unlock the stall, then sounds a loud alarm that yells things like, “YOU DISGUSTING DEGENERATE. I NOW HAVE YOUR DNA AND I WILL ENSURE YOUR TORTURE THE NEXT TIME YOU ATTEMPT TO USE THIS FACILITY.” The machine would also have to be equipped to exact this revenge, of course. It should be able to execute things like repeated tornado-like automatic flushes when this person is detected in the facility so they feel splashes of cold, toilet water on their buttocks before they’re able to seat themselves on it. Then, just when they manage to sit down, three-fourths way into their doing, cue extremely startling swoosh!

Secondly, we would have to start paying our janitorial staff significantly more because we would have finally realized that we should have been doing that all along anyways. There are asswipes that are getting paid 100k for sitting comfortably in an office, attending inconsequential meetings and conferences, playing golf, and other things that useless wealthy people do, while people performing the most difficult tasks in the world are being paid squat (literally, the type of squat that attaches a dirty, not-able-to-clean-up-after-itself-disgusting-adult-butt to a toilet seat). No matter how much somebody paid me, I would not be able to attend work where I was required to sanitize human litterboxes on a daily basis. This is a truly challenging task. To enjoy this, you must really love humankind–the way parents love their filthy children while cleaning up after them. You also must have the courage to pick up the most unwanted tasks in the world and do them because well, somebody needs to do it–the type of attitude that you want from your politicians really but never quite achieve.

I know what you’re thinking. As brilliant as this idea may be, it is going to cost us a lot of money. But don’t you think that the human race is worth investing in? This is not only an investment to enhance our intelligence, but consequently, also our future. In order to prevent the later regret of your skepticism when Europe gets to it first, donate today! And don’t forget to tell your wealthy friends and family. 🙂

PSA: *little editing was involved in the publishing of this piece*

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