Apples, the indestructible motherfuckers

You would imagine this whole thing is metaphorical. It is not. I just think apple is a strange fruit (no Billie Holiday reference intended). Is apple really anyone’s favorite fruit? Its flavor can be described as average at best and the most popularity it has had is through its alleged health benefits. This is about the most attention I’ve seen being paid to apples:

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” (origin: commonly recited to me as a child)

Aside from the questionable nature of its validity, I find this to be a very mediocre claim even though I hate doctors and would go to great lengths to avoid them. And no, I’m not afraid of doctors or anything that happens on the premises of healthcare institutions. I genuinely hate doctors and I think they’re a pathetic excuse for a human professional. I should specify that I’m talking about walk-in clinic doctors and not surgeons and such. If you don’t respect surgeons from the deep dungeons of your heart, then you’re more fucked up than I am. I would also take on several stressors just to have massive cuts be implemented to walk-in doctors’ salaries, especially the ones in South Edmonton (perhaps a raise for those in East side Vancouver though). But this piece isn’t really about doctors so I guess I should go back to talking about bitchass apples, although at this point I want to further dissect the bullshit that is the profession of walk-in clinic doctors and the ridiculously disproportionate salaries they earn. But I digress.

So, apples. What is it with this weird fruit? It is everywhere. If you scope your nearest grocery store (as a Canadian resident in particular), you will notice that they are available ALL year round in several varieties and still it isn’t their mass availability that makes them unappealing; it is more than that. But really, Granny Smith, Golden, Gala, Fuji, Red ‘Delicious’, McIntosh and so on. Who the fuck is investing so much time and energy into the pointlessness of the fruit that is, the apple? Is it just really easy to grow? Is that why there are always harvesters producing it?

I often feel the need to have apples in my fridge and I’m not sure why since I never actually have the urge to eat them. I sort of just see them and think hm, there’s nothing to eat, might as well eat this fucking apple, in that exact, hostile tone. I legitimately have hostile thoughts towards apples. I like to buy the ones that are smaller in size so that I’m not sitting around for 2+ minutes eating a fucking apple. They drip everywhere even though their nectar doesn’t even taste that appealing to your tastebuds, they make your hands sticky (turn your dirty mind off because I’m so serious right now), and then there’s that stupid left-over stem that you have to carry around should you decide to eat it in a public place at a random time when there is no trash-cans around. Compare that to something like an Orange. Mmm, citrus explosion in your mouth, superior tasting majority of the time with an above-average smell. Clearly, we should abandon the phrase, “it’s like apples and oranges” because these two fruits are miles apart. Then bananas, though responsible for producing below-average outputs for your olfactory senses and sporting a stupid, overly destructible texture still have the ability to fill you up when hungry. That is a pretty great quality for a fruit, even if it doesn’t have much in the way of survival skills and is almost always the first one to die in your house. I’m not even going to talk about the watermelon because they are clearly at the top of the fruit-chain and that would just be an unfair competition for the other fruits. I could go on with this list of comparisons but I think I’ve made my point.

Sometimes, I mass purchase fruit and forget to eat it. After a certain time, I will realize I have left it in my fridge for extended periods of time and I should probably check on it/discard it. Guess what happens. All the fruits are destroyed except for the motherfucking apples. These little shits will survive for what seems like an eternity and outlive all the other fruits. Not too long ago, my friend and I were walking through the Roger’s Centre, which was across the street from my apartment in Vancouver, where there was some big football game happening.

For visual’s, and well, bragging’s sake. And man, how dearly I miss this sweet ol’ wonderful place. (photo cred: aforementioned friend)

Our sole purpose was to acquire some free shit that was being handed out (preferably food), jam to the muzick, soak in the vibe and live vicariously, then bounce. Guess what we found? Apples. There was literally a booth that was handing out apples. We only stopped by because we could sense that we had finally arrived at a place where there was free food being distributed, although we couldn’t gauge which food it was. We should have known better than to stop there though since there was literally no sign of life other than the people performing the task of serving them, at an otherwise jam-packed venue. They had them in all forms: cut up apples, whole apples, decorative apples, cutting-demonstration apples. The lady actually tried, with all her energy, to pawn them off on my friend. However, my friend, being the smart human specimen that she is, gave her a strange, unwelcome look and refused.

This friend of mine had always loved apple juice, perhaps the most love I have ever heard of for the taste of anything apple and she of all people, disclosed to me, that she thinks apple the fruit is completely pointless. She was experiencing utter confusion as to why the people at the booth would think that anybody was interested in eating their apples. It was specifically in this moment that I knew I was in love all over again. All this time, I lived under the illusion that she liked apples and alas, even she did not care for them. What a beautiful thing. She is also responsible for employing the word ‘apple’ in the greatest way I have ever encountered thus far: she often referred to me as ‘applehead’, giving cuteness to the boring sound of this fruit. But that’s about as far as apples go for me. Completely unnecessary in existence and sub-par in taste.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of this rant and you are now also privy to the levels of my weirdness but damn it, I stand by my opinion. Apple is a weird (not in the charming way, either) motherfucking fruit. So the next time you visit your respective grocery stores, I urge you to grab one of these suckers and slam them on the ground in protest. Due to their inherent indestructibility, you might have to then stomp on it to really prove your point BUT let it be known that nobody cares about them so much for them to exist everywhere in so many varieties. Power to the people.


One thought on “Apples, the indestructible motherfuckers

  1. Hi, you may remember me from such famous comments as on the “About” page and the one about the Queen and her crown. Yes, it’s me… ta da… I’m back with a new identity… but shhhh…. don’t tell anyone. I had to close the last blog because a few waifs and strays had left it uninhabitable, but because having a blog encourages me to write more and writing more is good, then blog I have once more. I suppose it’s quite a selfish reason to want to have a blog and I’m absolutely fine with that. Just thought I’d let you know I was back and I’m going to follow you, (in a blog sense of course, not in the way a madman might follow someone because he thinks they are a rabbit… Oooh look… Rabbit)
    Anyway, that’s my story… I did intend to finish this comment on a song accompanied by some improvisational dance but I’m tired so instead I have some anagrams of the above mentioned saying,
    “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”. Anagrams help to make sense of nonsensical sayings sometimes, so without further ado I give you anagrams of, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”.

    a cat a week helps a randy pope today
    a potato a week delays happy dancer
    a poppy a week does alter thy Canada
    a whale a year does end poppy attack
    a cake at one does a lewd happy party

    You are allowed to use words such as genius and I will happily accept such generous compliments, you are very kind, thank you.

    Be happy, take care and remember “a wet pancake a day does help to pray” (it’s another anagram)…


    Mark (ahem… I mean Rhymeless Toast, that’s always been my name)


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